A Day in WalMartCullen Style
by lovelymissalice
Summary: Jasper is dragged to Emmett's "Day of Fun" in Wal-Mart, but to Jasper it's more of "Day in Hell" for him. Random events occur and so do humorous events.
1. Prolouge

**Hey people! One of my attempts at writing Humor. Hope you readers enjoy this Prolouge of the actual story. It's a bit short, though. Oh, and some people may be OOC later in the story.**

**Co-writing this with Ashley (emmett's gal). She's got a bunch of awesome and hilarious ideas. :)**

**~Enjoy**

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Prologue

It was a nice day today. At least that is according to Jasper Hale who was relaxing while the rest of the family was out. Everything really was at peace, quiet, and tranquility. That is until. . .

"Let's got to Wally-Mart!" yelled a loud voice from above the stairwell. Of course who else voice would this belong to, but to none other than Emmett Cullen who stayed home with Jasper.

"Why?" asked Jasper who was sitting on the couch watching TV. Apparently he was watching (or more like booing) something about Abraham Lincoln and the Civil War on the History Channel.

"Because it sounds like fun!"

"Okay. But what are we going to do there?"

"Whatever this list says", said Emmett as he ran downstairs. He held up a piece of paper to the Blonde's face. The paper had a list of numbers going from one to sixteen.

"Number one", Jasper read aloud, "Take twenty-four boxes of- Holly shizz, Emmett! Where did you get this list from?"

"The internet" The Brunette grinned, his arms crossed, looking proud and satisfied.

Of course! Jasper mentally smacked his face, hard.

"And why in the world would I want to do it, too", asked Jasper.

"Because it's not fun being alone", pouted the muscled vampire.

Jasper re-read the paper. He sighed. "Do I even have a choice?"

Emmett chuckled. "Nope", he smirked, "Trust me. It'll be a lot of fun. Especially since the girls are out hunting with Carlisle and Edward."

With no further words, Emmett grabbed Jasper and dragged him to Port Angeles. Not even bothering to take his Jeep or Jasper's motorcycle. It had to take him most of his strength to stop Jasper from running away.

"Stop trying to gnaw your arm off, you friggin' Texican", yelled Emmett.

"I'm not trying to gnaw my arm off", replied the helpless brother, "And what the heck is a Texican? Gawd!"

"A Texan-American, duh!"

"Emmett, you do know that Texas is in America, right?"

"Yeah, but it just sounds kinda cool"

Jasper sighed as he was dragged to Emmett's "Day of Fun".

More like "Day of Hell", thought Jasper.

Oh, what fun it will be Jasper. If you only knew.

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**Good? Bad? Let us know. Constructive crtiscism is welcome with open arms and big hug. :P Please point out any missed mistakes.**

**~Jane Alice**


	2. TwentyFour Unspeakable Things

**Hey people! Jane Alice here! :) (Ha! That's not my real name, but you can call me that. :P) I'm finally back with another chapter! Actually, I've had this chapter done for about a month or two now... Hehehe... But I was a bit too lazy to upload it. But since New Year has just come, one of my New Year resolutions is to not be lazy. :D (I wonder how long I'm acutally going to keep that up =_=) I am finally updating this story! Yay!**

**Warning: OOC-ness, and a few Author's Notes. :)**

**Sorry about some of the really un-needed and random parts. Ugh! That's what happens when you have ADHD. xD**

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Chapter 1

Twenty-Four Unspeakable Things

_**Jasper**_

Emmett's eyes lit up as he read the first line of his idotic list. I really do wonder how he got hold of the thing online. **(A/N: Easy, Jasper. Just look at people's profiles here on Fanfiction. :P Lol.) **

"Alright! I call dibs on this one!", my brother exclaimed.

"It's all yours", I said.

"Sweet! But you have to help me."

"What? Why?"

"Because I said so."

I shut my eyes. I really wish I could run away right now. This is so humiliating. This just makes me regret I didn't get to gnaw my arm off on our way here. Although that would have probably scared Alcie if I did.

"Alright Em… mett…? Emmett? Where did you go?" I asked as I looked around the area we were recently standing at.

I walked around the Christmas decorated store looking to see whar mishap my brother must be doing right now. It wasn't until I found him. Oh, I found him alright. I found him in a stupid red suit carrying a red sack on his back.

"Emmett, why the heck are you dressed up as Santa Claus?", I asked, my tone bewildered.

"Well, I was in the Health aisle getting twenty-four boxes of… Well… Yeah, when I noticed carrying all this crap would be no fun, so I stole this costume and sack", explained Emmett.

"Okay. I understand the sack part, but why the costume?"

Emmett'r emotions of excitement and joy flowed through me again. Having a three-year old find out they just won a year supply of candy would be understatement comapred to this man's happiness. Although having Alice fnd out she just won a year-supply of shoes would be an overstatement.

"You know what? I have no idea."

I watched Emmett as he stood in the middle of the aisle. An old man and his eight-year old wife walked by. A box of extra-extra-extra-extra large _items _flew into their basket as Emmett shot it.

"Score!"he exclaimed.

"Oh gawd, Em!"

"What?"

To be honest, I would've loved to see the face of the cashier when that old married couple got to the register. I'd probably be able to sense their feelings if I concentrate hard enough.

Emmett darted through the store quickly, invisible to the human eye. He dropped a box in twenty-one people's carts and boxes.

"Okay, so we have two boxes left. Who should we give it to?" he asked me. I shrugged, not wanting to get into this.

"Oh my gosh Jakey!" a familiar female voice whined. "Let's go! Don't make me bite you!"

I walked down three aisles, following the sound of her voice, only to find a certain bronze hair girl tugging a six-five Native American.

Emmett walked up from behind me, a mischievous feeling growing up in him.

"Emmett? What are you thinking?" I asked.

"Nothing…", he sang. Then he was gone.

I watched as he dropped a box in Jacob's basket. I was quite astonished to find him not bothered by the scent of us vampires around him. Maybe he was used to it? No, can't be.

"Hey Nessie, hey Jake", greeted Quil, another wolf from the Quiluete tribe.

"Hey Quil and Claire."

"Oh, this just got better", said Emmett.

"Erm… So… What's that you two are getting?" Quil stuttered as he asked his question.

"Oh, just some chips and soda", replied Renesmee.

"Okay, but why the condoms? Oh, gawd! Please don't tell me you're going there already! Nessie is only taking the form of a 12 year-old right now!"

"What the hell are you talking abou…" Jacob sniffed around the air. Could be the reason why he didn't finish saying 'about'. "Ness, you _have _been taking a shower lately, right?" That received him a smack on the head by my niece.

"Of course! Why the heck would you even ask that question?" Renesmee asked.

"Because I smell something really unbearable. Like one of thos bloodsuckers."

"Here?"

"No, in Texas. What do you think?" That earned him another smack by Nessie, again.

"Stop being sarcastic with me. And my Uncle Jasper is from Texas, y'know."

"Okay, gees. Sorry."

"Speaking of your Uncle Jasper, I can smell his scent. It's as if he's hiding behind that shelf watching us- with what's his face… Umm… Emmett! Yeah, that's it- at this very moment", said Quil.

"I don't know what you people are talking about", said Claire, "but there is a vampire right there staring at us." She then pointed her finger to our direction.

"Oh crap! We're dead!" exclaimed Emmett.

"Em, we're already the undead. Remember? We're vampires! How much more dead can we get?", I asked him.

"You know what I mean." Then he muttered something like "Stupid Texican" under his breath.

"I heard that you know", I told him.

"Heard what?"

"The 'Stupid Texican' part."

"Uh, no you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"No you did not."

"Yes, I did!"

"No!"

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"No!"

"Ha! I told you so!"

"Damn it! Stupid reverse psychology", I murmured.

Well, back to the story here with Claire. She was staring at us pointing her finger at our direction… Or so that's what Emmett and I thought. Her eyes and finger where looking and pointing somewhere a bit off to the right of the shelf my brother and I were hiding behind. We both turned our heads around simeltaneuosly, and guess what we found.

"Oh my gosh. It is a vampire! Chase after it. You could never know if it's a newborn vampire here thinking this a 'human blood buffet'", commended Renesmee.

The so-called "vampire's" eyes widened when he saw four people trying to hunt him down. He wasn't really a vampire. He was just some goofball dressed up as Dracula with the black cape and all. I do hope that guy knows Halloween was months ago.

The two werewolves **(A/N: I know the Quileute wolves are technically 'shapeshifters', but I'm just gonna call them 'werewolves' here, 'kay?) **along with the other two girls chased after the poor guy.

Emmett chuckled. "Some day, huh?" he asked.

I didn't reply, but I just mentally smacked my self on the head, again!

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**Well, this chapter turned out to be longer than I expected it to be... ^o^ Not sure if that's a good thing though... I found this chapter to not be my funniest one, but I hope anyone out there in the universe reading this will not hate me for this. Lol. Jk! **

**But please do R&R! Constructive Crticism (or how ever you spell it) is always welcome and so are flames. Please point out any grammar mistakes. I'm pretty sure there's got to be tons there since I haven't skimmed through my mistakes, yet. D:**

**~Jane Alice**


	3. Contest: Taylor Swift

**Yay! A contest! Lol. This idea was made by my beta Ashley. :) **

**Prize: A chance to be in the next chapter of 'A Day in Wal-Mart~Cullen Style'! :O I would've added an OC, but I'm not a fan of those.**

**Rules: Just find as many songs as you can in the passage below. Copy and Paste it onto the [Review] box and capatalize all the songs you see. First to find the most songs wins! **

**Hint(s): They're songs by Taylor Swift, and some of the words are actually song title. So look out for the unexpected. **

**No dissing on Taylor please. :D **

**Oh, and if you're going to reply/review to this contest, I suggest doing that in a different account or on a 'Anonymous' account since I'll be replacing this with the actual Chapter 2. Get what i'm saying? ;)**

**Good luck~! Results will come out in the future.**

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Contest: Taylor Swift

I've always been invisible  
Through your beautiful eyes  
But I'm only me when I'm with you!

My life has been a love story,  
And I just want to say that  
You belong with me  
And that you should  
Stay beautiful

If you asked me if I loved you  
I'd Lie because I truly do

I'm willing to change for you  
Since that's the way I loved you

Sometimes I wonder why you would break  
A perfectly good heart  
And leave teardrops on my guitar

I always wish you would come around  
On a white horse  
But if you did that,  
I probably wouldn't be able to  
Breathe

I don't mind if you're not sorry  
We'll always be tied together with a smile

We'll celebrate the best days of our lives soon enough  
and later on I'll turn fifteen  
And be absolutely fearless

I wonder if I should've said no instead  
and take this picture to burn  
Because you said you didn't like  
Tim McGraw

Tell me why I always feel like  
I'm stuck on the outside  
I know there's a place in this world  
I belong, too

Our song, "Mary's Song (Oh my, my, my)",  
Plays just for us

You make me crazier by the second  
And each time you come in with the rain

I feel untouchable when I'm with you,  
But my feelings aren't cold as you

Either way, I'll love you  
Forever and always!

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**Gees. This is annoying. It won't stay centered. =_="**


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